Reality Hits

I realized something tonight and hope that by writing it down i can make sense of it.
I have been back in australia nearly 2 months and i cant believe all that has and hasnt happened since i have been back.

Time can be such a confusing thing sometimes. Time can play tricks on our minds.

I feel like i have been back forever but then i feel like i only just arrived back. Sometimes it feels like i never left.. actually most of the time it does. It kind of feels like i never went to thailand. I almost feel like i have lost a year of my life.. and i am so confused to as why.

I guess i feel like i have been trying to settle myself as quickly as i can.. i have been trying to give the impression that i have it all together.. that i am fine with where i am.. that im okay with being back and going back to the life i lived before. I have been so intent on fitting in with my friends, my church, my family again and the Australian lifestyle that i have just been blocking out any reminder of the fact that i dont belong. The fact that this transition is hard. The fact that i miss my life in Thailand. I miss the people i met, i miss the way i lived, i miss the sights, the smells. I miss the kids. I miss waking up to the voices, no matter how early, of Belle, Bom, Foon, Hope, Mae, Garin, Bam, Nui, Jo, Mai and Josiah. I miss their giggles as i tickled them or chased them around like a mad person. I miss the way they called me P'Bethany and how i could pray with them at night time and tell them how much God loves and cares for them. And i guess it hurts to miss them so much so i just block them out. I throw away any memory of them so i feel like i can breathe.. so i feel like everything is okay. I block them out so i feel even for just a second that maybe i fit somewhere. But its not working anymore. I miss them. I miss who i was with them.

Its so hard to feel like you belong in a new place when your holding onto so much that lives in the past. But then it is so hard to just forget your past, including the people when they are such a big part of who you are today. I feel like to be here in the now, to be with my friends and family i cant talk about things that happened in thailand cause they'll get sick of my talking about it or they wont understand, and sometimes that they only care about whats happening now. But to not talk about it tears me up.. i feel like i have lost a year of my life.. and i dont know how to get it back.

How do i live in the here and now and still be okay with talking about the past? How do i find a balance between the two? Thats what i have to do find a balance.. but its easier said than done. And i know its not something that is going to happen over night.. maybe it wont happen at all..

I dont know i guess its something i have to work out on my own.. something hopefully with Gods help i'll get through.