A lesson learned, yet not recieved

Well I thought it was time to start writing again. I guess I'm hoping that by writing, some how, some way I will be able to make sense of some of the things that go through my head. Maybe by putting it all in sentences that can be read, some how, some way I will be able to work it all through.

The past couple of weeks have been crazy in so many ways, most of which arent good. I feel like life has thrown me quite a few curve balls, balls that I wasnt expecting, and  I didnt or I still dont quite know how to handle. Some of them I feel like I have had to deal with before, loosing a loved one, dealing with unrequited love, stresses of study, feeling helpless with so many hurting people around me, finding it hard to breathe, lessons I thought I had learnt, messages I thought I had received, yet when faced with all these things again I find myself right back at the beginning. Feeling like I am swimming in deep water with no land in sight, and I'm tired, so very tired! So what to do, where do I turn? I've been here before, yet I feel like I'm right back where I started.

So I do the only thing I know to do and try to move forward. I take it day by day, hour by hour and each morning I wake I thank God for the rest He has given me, that it is a new day and trust that each day will somehow become easier with His help. Life sucks sometimes, things become hard, people change, people hurt you, people leave (whether by choice or whether they leave this earth far too quickly), things happen that are unexplainable, but there is always HOPE.

Hope in the Oxford dictionary is defined as

'a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen'

 'a feeling of trust'

 

What it means for me to have hope is that, during times of struggle, of pain and hurt, to look forward, to look forward to God, to look to Him and Him alone. Trusting all that I have, all that I am, into His hands and believing that a brighter day is coming. I have a desire for that particular day, I can't wait for it to come, where there will be no more pain, no more hurt, no confusion. What a brilliant day that will be, but until then I'll take it day by day, hour by hour and with each new day that comes I will have to remind myself of a few things. Truths, promises that God has given me. A lesson I have learned, yet not received. Things I have heard so many times before but as soon as things get tough I let go of so easily. So once again I will remind myself of these, remind myself of how human I am, how weak and insignificant I am yet how great and powerful, how majestic God is! For when I am weak, He is strong. When I fall down, He will pick me up.

 

I am going to head to bed now, right now I need as much sleep as I can get. But I am gonna first share a verse that has meant a lot to me during this time. Its full of so many great truths, so many promises of how God is with us always, that He will give us the rest we need in HIM. He never leaves us or forsakes us and as I read verses like this over and over I am reminded His great love for me. A lesson learned, yet not always recieved, something I need to remind myself every single day, so I am gonna post this verse, and read it again to remind myself one more time for today!

 

God bless

 

Love 'just a girl travelling the world'

Psalm 62

¹ Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
² Truly he is my ROCK and my SALVATION;
he is my FORTRESS, I will never be shaken.

³ How long will you assault me?
Would all of you throw me down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
⁴ Surely they intend to topple me
from my lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.

⁵ Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.
⁶ Truly he is my ROCK and my SALVATION;
he is my FORTRESS, I will not be shaken.
⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God^[c];
he is my mighty ROCK, my REFUGE.
⁸ Trust in him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our REFUGE.

⁹ Surely the lowborn are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie.
If weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
¹⁰ Do not trust in extortion
or put vain hope in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

¹¹ One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
“POWER belongs to you, God,
¹² and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”;
and, “You reward everyone
according to what they have done.”

I WISH YOU!!

I haven't written on here in ages! But i am finally back overseas in the great US of A! so i thought i would share something i just read in an email someone sent me!

'I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how grey the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

So on this wonderful Christmas day and as this year come to a close and a new one begins I wish you all enough! And i pray that no matter what this year has held and no matter what the next one does that in all things you remember the strength, power and hope we have in God!

Father's Day

'This God - his way is perfect;

the word of the Lord proves true;

he is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him.'

Psalm 18:30

Today is fathers day in Australia. A day to celebrate the fathers in your life! A day to remember all they have done for you, all the sacrifices they have made, all the ways they have shown just how much they love and care for you.

I woke up this morning with such sadness. All i wanted to do was go back to sleep and wish this day away. Today is a day spent with your family. A day spent with your dad. Mine is a million miles away so i couldn't do that. After finally dragging myself out of bed i gave my dad a call in India and i told him i loved him so much and how i miss him and how i wish i could spend the day telling him all that in person! As i hang up the phone in tears i began praying .. and as i was praying God reminded me of something.

How fortunate i am to have a dad, even though miles away, who is alive and who does care so deeply for me. There are so many people, so many children in this world who are fatherless, who may be orphaned, and here i am complaining because i cant spend the day with mine. So today i spent the day celebrating not only my dad but also my heavenly father who is always with me, even when my dad cant be. And who is a father to the fatherless, a dad to the orphaned!

And here is what He has taught me today..

I read the above verse and was reminded of Gods' perfect plan, His perfect will for my life! Things in life may become tough, may not go the way you planned, but Gods' way is perfect! We go through ups and downs, we laugh and we cry and Gods' way remains perfect. He uses those times we struggle to draw us near to Him. He uses those times of rejoicing to draw us near to Him. I may not know what to do next. I may not know which direction to take, but God's way is perfect, and as i follow Him, as i seek Him, as i take refuge in Him, He will be my shield and strength! In this world there are so many things we can be unsure of, but the word of the Lord proves true, and His way is perfect! So today i say thankyou to God for all He has done for me, and all that He does for me daily!

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!!

'Look through my eyes'

I was listening to songs on my computer the other day on itunes and i had it on shuffle. The song 'Look through my eyes' by Phil Collins came on,(for those who are disney fanatics you would know it is a song from the movie Brother Bear), and as i was listening to it i realised how awesome the song actually is. Lately things have been a bit tough.. i have been trying to fit back into the way of life here in Australia and trying to figure out what God has in store for me next. And let me tell you neither of these things are easy but as i was listening to the song I really felt God telling me to take a look through his eyes. No matter what is going on in my life, no matter what is going on in the lives of the people around me, no matter what is going on in the lives of the people i love that arent with me, God is in control. Sometimes in life we can forget that.. actually a lot of the time we forget that, we get lost in this world, we get blinded by pretty lights, deafened by rocking music and distracted by the crowd around us. But God is in control. And to others it may seem like i am stumbling around in the darkness as i take a step of faith to trust God in all things but as I take a look through His eyes, as i choose to walk in His way my eyes will be opened, my prayers will be answered and my hope will be restored. Have a listen to the song, imagine God singing it to you and be changed by looking through His eyes!!

Reality Hits

I realized something tonight and hope that by writing it down i can make sense of it.
I have been back in australia nearly 2 months and i cant believe all that has and hasnt happened since i have been back.

Time can be such a confusing thing sometimes. Time can play tricks on our minds.

I feel like i have been back forever but then i feel like i only just arrived back. Sometimes it feels like i never left.. actually most of the time it does. It kind of feels like i never went to thailand. I almost feel like i have lost a year of my life.. and i am so confused to as why.

I guess i feel like i have been trying to settle myself as quickly as i can.. i have been trying to give the impression that i have it all together.. that i am fine with where i am.. that im okay with being back and going back to the life i lived before. I have been so intent on fitting in with my friends, my church, my family again and the Australian lifestyle that i have just been blocking out any reminder of the fact that i dont belong. The fact that this transition is hard. The fact that i miss my life in Thailand. I miss the people i met, i miss the way i lived, i miss the sights, the smells. I miss the kids. I miss waking up to the voices, no matter how early, of Belle, Bom, Foon, Hope, Mae, Garin, Bam, Nui, Jo, Mai and Josiah. I miss their giggles as i tickled them or chased them around like a mad person. I miss the way they called me P'Bethany and how i could pray with them at night time and tell them how much God loves and cares for them. And i guess it hurts to miss them so much so i just block them out. I throw away any memory of them so i feel like i can breathe.. so i feel like everything is okay. I block them out so i feel even for just a second that maybe i fit somewhere. But its not working anymore. I miss them. I miss who i was with them.

Its so hard to feel like you belong in a new place when your holding onto so much that lives in the past. But then it is so hard to just forget your past, including the people when they are such a big part of who you are today. I feel like to be here in the now, to be with my friends and family i cant talk about things that happened in thailand cause they'll get sick of my talking about it or they wont understand, and sometimes that they only care about whats happening now. But to not talk about it tears me up.. i feel like i have lost a year of my life.. and i dont know how to get it back.

How do i live in the here and now and still be okay with talking about the past? How do i find a balance between the two? Thats what i have to do find a balance.. but its easier said than done. And i know its not something that is going to happen over night.. maybe it wont happen at all..

I dont know i guess its something i have to work out on my own.. something hopefully with Gods help i'll get through.

Torn between worlds!

Right now i feel like i am torn between worlds..

Someone asked me what i mean by that so this is going to be my attempt at explaining that.

So i am leaving Baan Nam Jai (Home Of the Open Heart) in exactly 2 weeks. My home for the past year where i have had times of sorrow and joy, where i have fallen in love with 11 beautiful children and met so many amazing lifetime friends. I am leaving it all. My home, i am leaving it. I am leaving it to go to my other homes (India and then Australia) and begin a new phase of life and i feel torn. Torn between wanting to stay and wanting to go. Torn between the past and the future.

It is kind of like i am about to get in an elevator and go up to the next floor.. only i dont want to say goodbye. I dont want to have to get in the elevator. I am torn. I am stuck between floors. I am stuck between wanting to stay on the floor i am on now and going up a floor. It is only one more floor right? then why does it seem so much more than that! I am scared of leaving the floor i am on in the past, and i am anxious for the floor above. I never have been afraid of heights but the floor above seems so high up, it seems so far away. I am stuck. I am stuck in the elevator with that cheesy elevator music playing over and over again. But then i hear someone speaking over the loud speaker. He is telling me not to be afraid. He is saying 'trust me!'. He is saying 'this isnt the end!'. 'You are not alone!'. I have heard this voice before and as soon as He speaks i am filled with peace. For i do not know what the future holds, i dont know what the past means but i do know He is in control, He is faithful, He is powerful, and He is God! So i will leave this floor, i will go up and i will pray that one day God will allow me to go down a floor once again, to visit those who i have met, to visit those who all have a place in my heart! And i will go up, not knowing what will be up there, not knowing what to expect as the door opens to the new floor but knowing who will be carrying me, who will be with me every step of the way.

I am torn and at times i feel stuck but i do trust God and i know His plans for me are whats best and i will follow Him wherever He leads me!

Psalm 37

Of David.

¹ ^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;

² for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

More Time

We’re off to new lands
So hold on to my hands
It’s gonna be alright
It’s a whole lot brighter
So stand by the fire
It’s gonna be alright
Yeah, the road gets harder
But it’s not much farther
It’s gonna be alright
You know that it ain’t easy
Please believe me
It’s gonna be alright

Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

'Need To Breathe'