I WISH YOU!!

I haven't written on here in ages! But i am finally back overseas in the great US of A! so i thought i would share something i just read in an email someone sent me!

'I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how grey the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

So on this wonderful Christmas day and as this year come to a close and a new one begins I wish you all enough! And i pray that no matter what this year has held and no matter what the next one does that in all things you remember the strength, power and hope we have in God!

Father's Day

'This God - his way is perfect;

the word of the Lord proves true;

he is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him.'

Psalm 18:30

Today is fathers day in Australia. A day to celebrate the fathers in your life! A day to remember all they have done for you, all the sacrifices they have made, all the ways they have shown just how much they love and care for you.

I woke up this morning with such sadness. All i wanted to do was go back to sleep and wish this day away. Today is a day spent with your family. A day spent with your dad. Mine is a million miles away so i couldn't do that. After finally dragging myself out of bed i gave my dad a call in India and i told him i loved him so much and how i miss him and how i wish i could spend the day telling him all that in person! As i hang up the phone in tears i began praying .. and as i was praying God reminded me of something.

How fortunate i am to have a dad, even though miles away, who is alive and who does care so deeply for me. There are so many people, so many children in this world who are fatherless, who may be orphaned, and here i am complaining because i cant spend the day with mine. So today i spent the day celebrating not only my dad but also my heavenly father who is always with me, even when my dad cant be. And who is a father to the fatherless, a dad to the orphaned!

And here is what He has taught me today..

I read the above verse and was reminded of Gods' perfect plan, His perfect will for my life! Things in life may become tough, may not go the way you planned, but Gods' way is perfect! We go through ups and downs, we laugh and we cry and Gods' way remains perfect. He uses those times we struggle to draw us near to Him. He uses those times of rejoicing to draw us near to Him. I may not know what to do next. I may not know which direction to take, but God's way is perfect, and as i follow Him, as i seek Him, as i take refuge in Him, He will be my shield and strength! In this world there are so many things we can be unsure of, but the word of the Lord proves true, and His way is perfect! So today i say thankyou to God for all He has done for me, and all that He does for me daily!

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!!

'Look through my eyes'

I was listening to songs on my computer the other day on itunes and i had it on shuffle. The song 'Look through my eyes' by Phil Collins came on,(for those who are disney fanatics you would know it is a song from the movie Brother Bear), and as i was listening to it i realised how awesome the song actually is. Lately things have been a bit tough.. i have been trying to fit back into the way of life here in Australia and trying to figure out what God has in store for me next. And let me tell you neither of these things are easy but as i was listening to the song I really felt God telling me to take a look through his eyes. No matter what is going on in my life, no matter what is going on in the lives of the people around me, no matter what is going on in the lives of the people i love that arent with me, God is in control. Sometimes in life we can forget that.. actually a lot of the time we forget that, we get lost in this world, we get blinded by pretty lights, deafened by rocking music and distracted by the crowd around us. But God is in control. And to others it may seem like i am stumbling around in the darkness as i take a step of faith to trust God in all things but as I take a look through His eyes, as i choose to walk in His way my eyes will be opened, my prayers will be answered and my hope will be restored. Have a listen to the song, imagine God singing it to you and be changed by looking through His eyes!!

Reality Hits

I realized something tonight and hope that by writing it down i can make sense of it.
I have been back in australia nearly 2 months and i cant believe all that has and hasnt happened since i have been back.

Time can be such a confusing thing sometimes. Time can play tricks on our minds.

I feel like i have been back forever but then i feel like i only just arrived back. Sometimes it feels like i never left.. actually most of the time it does. It kind of feels like i never went to thailand. I almost feel like i have lost a year of my life.. and i am so confused to as why.

I guess i feel like i have been trying to settle myself as quickly as i can.. i have been trying to give the impression that i have it all together.. that i am fine with where i am.. that im okay with being back and going back to the life i lived before. I have been so intent on fitting in with my friends, my church, my family again and the Australian lifestyle that i have just been blocking out any reminder of the fact that i dont belong. The fact that this transition is hard. The fact that i miss my life in Thailand. I miss the people i met, i miss the way i lived, i miss the sights, the smells. I miss the kids. I miss waking up to the voices, no matter how early, of Belle, Bom, Foon, Hope, Mae, Garin, Bam, Nui, Jo, Mai and Josiah. I miss their giggles as i tickled them or chased them around like a mad person. I miss the way they called me P'Bethany and how i could pray with them at night time and tell them how much God loves and cares for them. And i guess it hurts to miss them so much so i just block them out. I throw away any memory of them so i feel like i can breathe.. so i feel like everything is okay. I block them out so i feel even for just a second that maybe i fit somewhere. But its not working anymore. I miss them. I miss who i was with them.

Its so hard to feel like you belong in a new place when your holding onto so much that lives in the past. But then it is so hard to just forget your past, including the people when they are such a big part of who you are today. I feel like to be here in the now, to be with my friends and family i cant talk about things that happened in thailand cause they'll get sick of my talking about it or they wont understand, and sometimes that they only care about whats happening now. But to not talk about it tears me up.. i feel like i have lost a year of my life.. and i dont know how to get it back.

How do i live in the here and now and still be okay with talking about the past? How do i find a balance between the two? Thats what i have to do find a balance.. but its easier said than done. And i know its not something that is going to happen over night.. maybe it wont happen at all..

I dont know i guess its something i have to work out on my own.. something hopefully with Gods help i'll get through.

Torn between worlds!

Right now i feel like i am torn between worlds..

Someone asked me what i mean by that so this is going to be my attempt at explaining that.

So i am leaving Baan Nam Jai (Home Of the Open Heart) in exactly 2 weeks. My home for the past year where i have had times of sorrow and joy, where i have fallen in love with 11 beautiful children and met so many amazing lifetime friends. I am leaving it all. My home, i am leaving it. I am leaving it to go to my other homes (India and then Australia) and begin a new phase of life and i feel torn. Torn between wanting to stay and wanting to go. Torn between the past and the future.

It is kind of like i am about to get in an elevator and go up to the next floor.. only i dont want to say goodbye. I dont want to have to get in the elevator. I am torn. I am stuck between floors. I am stuck between wanting to stay on the floor i am on now and going up a floor. It is only one more floor right? then why does it seem so much more than that! I am scared of leaving the floor i am on in the past, and i am anxious for the floor above. I never have been afraid of heights but the floor above seems so high up, it seems so far away. I am stuck. I am stuck in the elevator with that cheesy elevator music playing over and over again. But then i hear someone speaking over the loud speaker. He is telling me not to be afraid. He is saying 'trust me!'. He is saying 'this isnt the end!'. 'You are not alone!'. I have heard this voice before and as soon as He speaks i am filled with peace. For i do not know what the future holds, i dont know what the past means but i do know He is in control, He is faithful, He is powerful, and He is God! So i will leave this floor, i will go up and i will pray that one day God will allow me to go down a floor once again, to visit those who i have met, to visit those who all have a place in my heart! And i will go up, not knowing what will be up there, not knowing what to expect as the door opens to the new floor but knowing who will be carrying me, who will be with me every step of the way.

I am torn and at times i feel stuck but i do trust God and i know His plans for me are whats best and i will follow Him wherever He leads me!

Psalm 37

Of David.

¹ ^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;

² for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

More Time

We’re off to new lands
So hold on to my hands
It’s gonna be alright
It’s a whole lot brighter
So stand by the fire
It’s gonna be alright
Yeah, the road gets harder
But it’s not much farther
It’s gonna be alright
You know that it ain’t easy
Please believe me
It’s gonna be alright

Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

'Need To Breathe'

A Poem

Two Worlds

You seem lost and confused,

hurt and unsure.

You keep searching for anything,

something more.

At times i feel scared and confused,

tested and unsure.

I try running away,

instead of running through the door.

You found loneliness and drama,

insecurities and pain.

I found love and joy,

peace in the middle of rain.

What's the difference?

Who can see the change?

You live in a world that is filled with darkness,

that is all you have known,

all you have been shown

I live in this world with a light inside of me.

The truth has been revealed for me to see.

His mercy and love,

joy and peace,

and the wonderful gift of grace

that will never cease.

You long for a brighter day,

one filled with hope,

with promises that aren't broken,

and kind words are often spoken.

I long for the day you can see the truth,

I long for the day I can help to show you,

of a God who is bigger than you or me,

of a world that can be brighter,

wait and see