'Look through my eyes'

I was listening to songs on my computer the other day on itunes and i had it on shuffle. The song 'Look through my eyes' by Phil Collins came on,(for those who are disney fanatics you would know it is a song from the movie Brother Bear), and as i was listening to it i realised how awesome the song actually is. Lately things have been a bit tough.. i have been trying to fit back into the way of life here in Australia and trying to figure out what God has in store for me next. And let me tell you neither of these things are easy but as i was listening to the song I really felt God telling me to take a look through his eyes. No matter what is going on in my life, no matter what is going on in the lives of the people around me, no matter what is going on in the lives of the people i love that arent with me, God is in control. Sometimes in life we can forget that.. actually a lot of the time we forget that, we get lost in this world, we get blinded by pretty lights, deafened by rocking music and distracted by the crowd around us. But God is in control. And to others it may seem like i am stumbling around in the darkness as i take a step of faith to trust God in all things but as I take a look through His eyes, as i choose to walk in His way my eyes will be opened, my prayers will be answered and my hope will be restored. Have a listen to the song, imagine God singing it to you and be changed by looking through His eyes!!

Reality Hits

I realized something tonight and hope that by writing it down i can make sense of it.
I have been back in australia nearly 2 months and i cant believe all that has and hasnt happened since i have been back.

Time can be such a confusing thing sometimes. Time can play tricks on our minds.

I feel like i have been back forever but then i feel like i only just arrived back. Sometimes it feels like i never left.. actually most of the time it does. It kind of feels like i never went to thailand. I almost feel like i have lost a year of my life.. and i am so confused to as why.

I guess i feel like i have been trying to settle myself as quickly as i can.. i have been trying to give the impression that i have it all together.. that i am fine with where i am.. that im okay with being back and going back to the life i lived before. I have been so intent on fitting in with my friends, my church, my family again and the Australian lifestyle that i have just been blocking out any reminder of the fact that i dont belong. The fact that this transition is hard. The fact that i miss my life in Thailand. I miss the people i met, i miss the way i lived, i miss the sights, the smells. I miss the kids. I miss waking up to the voices, no matter how early, of Belle, Bom, Foon, Hope, Mae, Garin, Bam, Nui, Jo, Mai and Josiah. I miss their giggles as i tickled them or chased them around like a mad person. I miss the way they called me P'Bethany and how i could pray with them at night time and tell them how much God loves and cares for them. And i guess it hurts to miss them so much so i just block them out. I throw away any memory of them so i feel like i can breathe.. so i feel like everything is okay. I block them out so i feel even for just a second that maybe i fit somewhere. But its not working anymore. I miss them. I miss who i was with them.

Its so hard to feel like you belong in a new place when your holding onto so much that lives in the past. But then it is so hard to just forget your past, including the people when they are such a big part of who you are today. I feel like to be here in the now, to be with my friends and family i cant talk about things that happened in thailand cause they'll get sick of my talking about it or they wont understand, and sometimes that they only care about whats happening now. But to not talk about it tears me up.. i feel like i have lost a year of my life.. and i dont know how to get it back.

How do i live in the here and now and still be okay with talking about the past? How do i find a balance between the two? Thats what i have to do find a balance.. but its easier said than done. And i know its not something that is going to happen over night.. maybe it wont happen at all..

I dont know i guess its something i have to work out on my own.. something hopefully with Gods help i'll get through.

Torn between worlds!

Right now i feel like i am torn between worlds..

Someone asked me what i mean by that so this is going to be my attempt at explaining that.

So i am leaving Baan Nam Jai (Home Of the Open Heart) in exactly 2 weeks. My home for the past year where i have had times of sorrow and joy, where i have fallen in love with 11 beautiful children and met so many amazing lifetime friends. I am leaving it all. My home, i am leaving it. I am leaving it to go to my other homes (India and then Australia) and begin a new phase of life and i feel torn. Torn between wanting to stay and wanting to go. Torn between the past and the future.

It is kind of like i am about to get in an elevator and go up to the next floor.. only i dont want to say goodbye. I dont want to have to get in the elevator. I am torn. I am stuck between floors. I am stuck between wanting to stay on the floor i am on now and going up a floor. It is only one more floor right? then why does it seem so much more than that! I am scared of leaving the floor i am on in the past, and i am anxious for the floor above. I never have been afraid of heights but the floor above seems so high up, it seems so far away. I am stuck. I am stuck in the elevator with that cheesy elevator music playing over and over again. But then i hear someone speaking over the loud speaker. He is telling me not to be afraid. He is saying 'trust me!'. He is saying 'this isnt the end!'. 'You are not alone!'. I have heard this voice before and as soon as He speaks i am filled with peace. For i do not know what the future holds, i dont know what the past means but i do know He is in control, He is faithful, He is powerful, and He is God! So i will leave this floor, i will go up and i will pray that one day God will allow me to go down a floor once again, to visit those who i have met, to visit those who all have a place in my heart! And i will go up, not knowing what will be up there, not knowing what to expect as the door opens to the new floor but knowing who will be carrying me, who will be with me every step of the way.

I am torn and at times i feel stuck but i do trust God and i know His plans for me are whats best and i will follow Him wherever He leads me!

Psalm 37

Of David.

¹ ^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;

² for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

More Time

We’re off to new lands
So hold on to my hands
It’s gonna be alright
It’s a whole lot brighter
So stand by the fire
It’s gonna be alright
Yeah, the road gets harder
But it’s not much farther
It’s gonna be alright
You know that it ain’t easy
Please believe me
It’s gonna be alright

Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

'Need To Breathe'

A Poem

Two Worlds

You seem lost and confused,

hurt and unsure.

You keep searching for anything,

something more.

At times i feel scared and confused,

tested and unsure.

I try running away,

instead of running through the door.

You found loneliness and drama,

insecurities and pain.

I found love and joy,

peace in the middle of rain.

What's the difference?

Who can see the change?

You live in a world that is filled with darkness,

that is all you have known,

all you have been shown

I live in this world with a light inside of me.

The truth has been revealed for me to see.

His mercy and love,

joy and peace,

and the wonderful gift of grace

that will never cease.

You long for a brighter day,

one filled with hope,

with promises that aren't broken,

and kind words are often spoken.

I long for the day you can see the truth,

I long for the day I can help to show you,

of a God who is bigger than you or me,

of a world that can be brighter,

wait and see

A Place to Call Home

Family is a precious thing. A family can mean many things.

As i write this my family seems a hundred miles away and everything within me just wishes i could see them all, all together even if it is just for a moment. Even if it is just to say 'i love you' and then walk away. But i know that i cant. I know God has me here in Thailand, some of them in India and some of them in Australia for a reason.

With my family being far away i have really come to appreciate them so much more than i ever did before. It is so sad that the saying 'you dont know how good something is until it is gone' is so very true! Especially when it comes to my family, when i was around them i loved them and i would appreciate them but maybe not enough. When i think of all the pointless fights i had with my siblings and at times with my parents i just want to kick myself. All the times when i said bad things about them, or even thought bad things about them i should have been telling them how much i love them and how i appreciate them.

After a discussion with my mum, dad and little sister on Skype i felt this deep ache in my chest and i just wished i could be where they were. I wished that i could just be in their company, i didnt want to do amazing things with them i just wanted to be with them. We didnt have to even talk, just to be with them, to be in the same room, to be doing things together. Sometimes i feel so lost without them here and i start to question everything i know about myself.

In this life people often search for a place that that they can call home, a place where they feel secure, loved and appreciated. People search for it in all kinds of places and when it is looked for in the wrong places it can cause so much pain and suffering. Being away from my friends and family, being away from all that i have ever known has made me search. Search for a place where i can be accepted for all that i am, the good and the bad, a place where i can be me. Somewhere i can discover who i am and not be rejected for who i become. That place can only be found in God.

'Home is where the heart is' and when you fill your heart with things of this world, that is where your home becomes, in temporary joy, in selfish love, in restless peace. When we search for fulfillment in work, in sports, in money and even in loved ones we will always end up being disappointed. But when our heart is filled with things of God, when we are overflowing with His Holy Spirit than our home becomes one with endless joy, agape love and peace that surpasses all understanding.

I miss my family so terribly and as each day passes i realise how very much they are all such a big part of my life. But God is where my heart is, my home is found in Him and Him alone. A place where i can be me, i can love freely, i can love endlessly, i can love compassionately. So i leave you with this question..

Where has your heart found a home?

Unleashing Gods Power

I haven't written here in a while and mainly cause i have been finding it hard to say what i want to say. Life in Thailand is changing constantly with people coming and going all the time and although my schedule hasn't changed lately i have felt like life has been so busy!

A couple of nights ago i went to a meeting at the local YWAM base.. if i am totally honest i didn't really feel like going, i was tired and didn't really feel like socialising. But God knew it was important for me to go so i went. The night was run by a local university campus ministry, they led the worship and a game. As we were worshiping i was overwhelmed with a lot of things. All these struggles that i had been trying to push down and forget about all seemed to come to the surface and i just wanted to run far far away! But as i continued to worship I really felt the presence of God. And as i stood there and saw the young Thai people worshipping God with everything they had in them, with all their hearts i was overcome with such a peace, a hope and a strength! So often i get brought down by the things of this world.. the injustice.. the hopelessness.. the pain.. the suffering.. and instead of giving it all over to God i let it weigh me down, i try to fix, i try to do it in my own strength and of course fail every time.

Unleashing Gods' Power.. how can it be done? when is it to be done? Why does it feel like sometimes God chooses not to reveal His power?

I know that i can not do things in my own strength. I know that when i try to fix things and let all the troubles in this world rest on my shoulders that i fail, i end up exhausted, overwhelmed and disappointed. I know i need Gods strength and power, I know only He can change things, only He can touch peoples lives and break them from the inside. God also uses people to help in difficult situations to break people and transform them. So how do i know when to help? How do i know when to say something, when to listen and when simply to pray and walk away?

I know that as a child of God i have His almighty power and strength with me always. I know that God is always with me and that He will guide me.. but if i am honest, sometimes His voice sounds so faint, His ways and power seem so very far away. Lately with all these people around me who are going through struggles, who are crying out for answers, for help, i have been feeling overwhelmed by it all. How do i show them Gods power? How do i show them the freedom they can come to know through Christ!

Unleashing Gods power can only happen when we surrender all! We trust all we have, all we are into His hands and seek Him with all our heart! And i think sometimes when people ask for the power of God to be revealed to them they put God in a box and expect Him to do it in a certain way or expect something amazing that has never been seen before, and God can do that and He does, but His power can also be seen in the smaller things too, the things we often overlook and don't appreciate. In Thailand i see Gods power in these beautiful kids i get to know better and better as each day passes. I see it in the transformation of their lives over the years. The way in which they have all come from such broken families and yet now have an amazing, loving family, Gods family. I see Gods power in the way in which the Baan Nam Jai staff work together, people from different countries, different backgrounds and from different walks of life all working as one to serve God. I see Gods power in the wind, the trees, the birds, the bees, the sun rising and setting and when i look at how wonderfully and uniquely each of us are made.

Gods power has been unleashed into the world and so many people over look it, ignore it or have been blinded from it. So how can i show it to the world? In Christ alone! In His timing and in His way!

So in those times of when i feel weighed down by the ways of this world and i want to show people Gods power and love.. what do i do? i seek God, His will and His way! I pray that in whatever you are doing, whatever God is bringing you through that you would learn to do the same!

'For i know the plans i have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and i will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'

Jeremiah 29:11-13