I was listening to songs on my computer the other day on itunes and i had it on shuffle. The song 'Look through my eyes' by Phil Collins came on,(for those who are disney fanatics you would know it is a song from the movie Brother Bear), and as i was listening to it i realised how awesome the song actually is. Lately things have been a bit tough.. i have been trying to fit back into the way of life here in Australia and trying to figure out what God has in store for me next. And let me tell you neither of these things are easy but as i was listening to the song I really felt God telling me to take a look through his eyes. No matter what is going on in my life, no matter what is going on in the lives of the people around me, no matter what is going on in the lives of the people i love that arent with me, God is in control. Sometimes in life we can forget that.. actually a lot of the time we forget that, we get lost in this world, we get blinded by pretty lights, deafened by rocking music and distracted by the crowd around us. But God is in control. And to others it may seem like i am stumbling around in the darkness as i take a step of faith to trust God in all things but as I take a look through His eyes, as i choose to walk in His way my eyes will be opened, my prayers will be answered and my hope will be restored. Have a listen to the song, imagine God singing it to you and be changed by looking through His eyes!!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Reality Hits
I realized something tonight and hope that by writing it down i can make sense of it.
I have been back in australia nearly 2 months and i cant believe all that has and hasnt happened since i have been back.
Time can be such a confusing thing sometimes. Time can play tricks on our minds.
I feel like i have been back forever but then i feel like i only just arrived back. Sometimes it feels like i never left.. actually most of the time it does. It kind of feels like i never went to thailand. I almost feel like i have lost a year of my life.. and i am so confused to as why.
I guess i feel like i have been trying to settle myself as quickly as i can.. i have been trying to give the impression that i have it all together.. that i am fine with where i am.. that im okay with being back and going back to the life i lived before. I have been so intent on fitting in with my friends, my church, my family again and the Australian lifestyle that i have just been blocking out any reminder of the fact that i dont belong. The fact that this transition is hard. The fact that i miss my life in Thailand. I miss the people i met, i miss the way i lived, i miss the sights, the smells. I miss the kids. I miss waking up to the voices, no matter how early, of Belle, Bom, Foon, Hope, Mae, Garin, Bam, Nui, Jo, Mai and Josiah. I miss their giggles as i tickled them or chased them around like a mad person. I miss the way they called me P'Bethany and how i could pray with them at night time and tell them how much God loves and cares for them. And i guess it hurts to miss them so much so i just block them out. I throw away any memory of them so i feel like i can breathe.. so i feel like everything is okay. I block them out so i feel even for just a second that maybe i fit somewhere. But its not working anymore. I miss them. I miss who i was with them.
Its so hard to feel like you belong in a new place when your holding onto so much that lives in the past. But then it is so hard to just forget your past, including the people when they are such a big part of who you are today. I feel like to be here in the now, to be with my friends and family i cant talk about things that happened in thailand cause they'll get sick of my talking about it or they wont understand, and sometimes that they only care about whats happening now. But to not talk about it tears me up.. i feel like i have lost a year of my life.. and i dont know how to get it back.
How do i live in the here and now and still be okay with talking about the past? How do i find a balance between the two? Thats what i have to do find a balance.. but its easier said than done. And i know its not something that is going to happen over night.. maybe it wont happen at all..
I dont know i guess its something i have to work out on my own.. something hopefully with Gods help i'll get through.
I have been back in australia nearly 2 months and i cant believe all that has and hasnt happened since i have been back.
Time can be such a confusing thing sometimes. Time can play tricks on our minds.
I feel like i have been back forever but then i feel like i only just arrived back. Sometimes it feels like i never left.. actually most of the time it does. It kind of feels like i never went to thailand. I almost feel like i have lost a year of my life.. and i am so confused to as why.
I guess i feel like i have been trying to settle myself as quickly as i can.. i have been trying to give the impression that i have it all together.. that i am fine with where i am.. that im okay with being back and going back to the life i lived before. I have been so intent on fitting in with my friends, my church, my family again and the Australian lifestyle that i have just been blocking out any reminder of the fact that i dont belong. The fact that this transition is hard. The fact that i miss my life in Thailand. I miss the people i met, i miss the way i lived, i miss the sights, the smells. I miss the kids. I miss waking up to the voices, no matter how early, of Belle, Bom, Foon, Hope, Mae, Garin, Bam, Nui, Jo, Mai and Josiah. I miss their giggles as i tickled them or chased them around like a mad person. I miss the way they called me P'Bethany and how i could pray with them at night time and tell them how much God loves and cares for them. And i guess it hurts to miss them so much so i just block them out. I throw away any memory of them so i feel like i can breathe.. so i feel like everything is okay. I block them out so i feel even for just a second that maybe i fit somewhere. But its not working anymore. I miss them. I miss who i was with them.
Its so hard to feel like you belong in a new place when your holding onto so much that lives in the past. But then it is so hard to just forget your past, including the people when they are such a big part of who you are today. I feel like to be here in the now, to be with my friends and family i cant talk about things that happened in thailand cause they'll get sick of my talking about it or they wont understand, and sometimes that they only care about whats happening now. But to not talk about it tears me up.. i feel like i have lost a year of my life.. and i dont know how to get it back.
How do i live in the here and now and still be okay with talking about the past? How do i find a balance between the two? Thats what i have to do find a balance.. but its easier said than done. And i know its not something that is going to happen over night.. maybe it wont happen at all..
I dont know i guess its something i have to work out on my own.. something hopefully with Gods help i'll get through.
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