Torn between worlds!

Right now i feel like i am torn between worlds..

Someone asked me what i mean by that so this is going to be my attempt at explaining that.

So i am leaving Baan Nam Jai (Home Of the Open Heart) in exactly 2 weeks. My home for the past year where i have had times of sorrow and joy, where i have fallen in love with 11 beautiful children and met so many amazing lifetime friends. I am leaving it all. My home, i am leaving it. I am leaving it to go to my other homes (India and then Australia) and begin a new phase of life and i feel torn. Torn between wanting to stay and wanting to go. Torn between the past and the future.

It is kind of like i am about to get in an elevator and go up to the next floor.. only i dont want to say goodbye. I dont want to have to get in the elevator. I am torn. I am stuck between floors. I am stuck between wanting to stay on the floor i am on now and going up a floor. It is only one more floor right? then why does it seem so much more than that! I am scared of leaving the floor i am on in the past, and i am anxious for the floor above. I never have been afraid of heights but the floor above seems so high up, it seems so far away. I am stuck. I am stuck in the elevator with that cheesy elevator music playing over and over again. But then i hear someone speaking over the loud speaker. He is telling me not to be afraid. He is saying 'trust me!'. He is saying 'this isnt the end!'. 'You are not alone!'. I have heard this voice before and as soon as He speaks i am filled with peace. For i do not know what the future holds, i dont know what the past means but i do know He is in control, He is faithful, He is powerful, and He is God! So i will leave this floor, i will go up and i will pray that one day God will allow me to go down a floor once again, to visit those who i have met, to visit those who all have a place in my heart! And i will go up, not knowing what will be up there, not knowing what to expect as the door opens to the new floor but knowing who will be carrying me, who will be with me every step of the way.

I am torn and at times i feel stuck but i do trust God and i know His plans for me are whats best and i will follow Him wherever He leads me!

Psalm 37

Of David.

¹ ^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;

² for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

More Time

We’re off to new lands
So hold on to my hands
It’s gonna be alright
It’s a whole lot brighter
So stand by the fire
It’s gonna be alright
Yeah, the road gets harder
But it’s not much farther
It’s gonna be alright
You know that it ain’t easy
Please believe me
It’s gonna be alright

Please don’t worry now
It will turn around

'Need To Breathe'

A Poem

Two Worlds

You seem lost and confused,

hurt and unsure.

You keep searching for anything,

something more.

At times i feel scared and confused,

tested and unsure.

I try running away,

instead of running through the door.

You found loneliness and drama,

insecurities and pain.

I found love and joy,

peace in the middle of rain.

What's the difference?

Who can see the change?

You live in a world that is filled with darkness,

that is all you have known,

all you have been shown

I live in this world with a light inside of me.

The truth has been revealed for me to see.

His mercy and love,

joy and peace,

and the wonderful gift of grace

that will never cease.

You long for a brighter day,

one filled with hope,

with promises that aren't broken,

and kind words are often spoken.

I long for the day you can see the truth,

I long for the day I can help to show you,

of a God who is bigger than you or me,

of a world that can be brighter,

wait and see

A Place to Call Home

Family is a precious thing. A family can mean many things.

As i write this my family seems a hundred miles away and everything within me just wishes i could see them all, all together even if it is just for a moment. Even if it is just to say 'i love you' and then walk away. But i know that i cant. I know God has me here in Thailand, some of them in India and some of them in Australia for a reason.

With my family being far away i have really come to appreciate them so much more than i ever did before. It is so sad that the saying 'you dont know how good something is until it is gone' is so very true! Especially when it comes to my family, when i was around them i loved them and i would appreciate them but maybe not enough. When i think of all the pointless fights i had with my siblings and at times with my parents i just want to kick myself. All the times when i said bad things about them, or even thought bad things about them i should have been telling them how much i love them and how i appreciate them.

After a discussion with my mum, dad and little sister on Skype i felt this deep ache in my chest and i just wished i could be where they were. I wished that i could just be in their company, i didnt want to do amazing things with them i just wanted to be with them. We didnt have to even talk, just to be with them, to be in the same room, to be doing things together. Sometimes i feel so lost without them here and i start to question everything i know about myself.

In this life people often search for a place that that they can call home, a place where they feel secure, loved and appreciated. People search for it in all kinds of places and when it is looked for in the wrong places it can cause so much pain and suffering. Being away from my friends and family, being away from all that i have ever known has made me search. Search for a place where i can be accepted for all that i am, the good and the bad, a place where i can be me. Somewhere i can discover who i am and not be rejected for who i become. That place can only be found in God.

'Home is where the heart is' and when you fill your heart with things of this world, that is where your home becomes, in temporary joy, in selfish love, in restless peace. When we search for fulfillment in work, in sports, in money and even in loved ones we will always end up being disappointed. But when our heart is filled with things of God, when we are overflowing with His Holy Spirit than our home becomes one with endless joy, agape love and peace that surpasses all understanding.

I miss my family so terribly and as each day passes i realise how very much they are all such a big part of my life. But God is where my heart is, my home is found in Him and Him alone. A place where i can be me, i can love freely, i can love endlessly, i can love compassionately. So i leave you with this question..

Where has your heart found a home?

Unleashing Gods Power

I haven't written here in a while and mainly cause i have been finding it hard to say what i want to say. Life in Thailand is changing constantly with people coming and going all the time and although my schedule hasn't changed lately i have felt like life has been so busy!

A couple of nights ago i went to a meeting at the local YWAM base.. if i am totally honest i didn't really feel like going, i was tired and didn't really feel like socialising. But God knew it was important for me to go so i went. The night was run by a local university campus ministry, they led the worship and a game. As we were worshiping i was overwhelmed with a lot of things. All these struggles that i had been trying to push down and forget about all seemed to come to the surface and i just wanted to run far far away! But as i continued to worship I really felt the presence of God. And as i stood there and saw the young Thai people worshipping God with everything they had in them, with all their hearts i was overcome with such a peace, a hope and a strength! So often i get brought down by the things of this world.. the injustice.. the hopelessness.. the pain.. the suffering.. and instead of giving it all over to God i let it weigh me down, i try to fix, i try to do it in my own strength and of course fail every time.

Unleashing Gods' Power.. how can it be done? when is it to be done? Why does it feel like sometimes God chooses not to reveal His power?

I know that i can not do things in my own strength. I know that when i try to fix things and let all the troubles in this world rest on my shoulders that i fail, i end up exhausted, overwhelmed and disappointed. I know i need Gods strength and power, I know only He can change things, only He can touch peoples lives and break them from the inside. God also uses people to help in difficult situations to break people and transform them. So how do i know when to help? How do i know when to say something, when to listen and when simply to pray and walk away?

I know that as a child of God i have His almighty power and strength with me always. I know that God is always with me and that He will guide me.. but if i am honest, sometimes His voice sounds so faint, His ways and power seem so very far away. Lately with all these people around me who are going through struggles, who are crying out for answers, for help, i have been feeling overwhelmed by it all. How do i show them Gods power? How do i show them the freedom they can come to know through Christ!

Unleashing Gods power can only happen when we surrender all! We trust all we have, all we are into His hands and seek Him with all our heart! And i think sometimes when people ask for the power of God to be revealed to them they put God in a box and expect Him to do it in a certain way or expect something amazing that has never been seen before, and God can do that and He does, but His power can also be seen in the smaller things too, the things we often overlook and don't appreciate. In Thailand i see Gods power in these beautiful kids i get to know better and better as each day passes. I see it in the transformation of their lives over the years. The way in which they have all come from such broken families and yet now have an amazing, loving family, Gods family. I see Gods power in the way in which the Baan Nam Jai staff work together, people from different countries, different backgrounds and from different walks of life all working as one to serve God. I see Gods power in the wind, the trees, the birds, the bees, the sun rising and setting and when i look at how wonderfully and uniquely each of us are made.

Gods power has been unleashed into the world and so many people over look it, ignore it or have been blinded from it. So how can i show it to the world? In Christ alone! In His timing and in His way!

So in those times of when i feel weighed down by the ways of this world and i want to show people Gods power and love.. what do i do? i seek God, His will and His way! I pray that in whatever you are doing, whatever God is bringing you through that you would learn to do the same!

'For i know the plans i have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and i will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'

Jeremiah 29:11-13

My Monday and Gods' Surprises!

hey! Thought i better update you a little on my life here.
Today was pretty normal. I woke up at 6 and helped the girls get ready for school and then cleaned up a little. Then i had kindy with the very cute, gorgeous Josiah (picture of me and him to the left). I had so much playing play dough and tea parties and cars! We even had a special time of dancing and playing with the musical instruments (Josiah showed me just how loudly he could bang 2 cymbals together, he is a clever boy :P). It was pouring down rain today so we couldnt really do outside stuff but we still had fun! This afternoon i just chilled and packed a bit for tomorrow :)(Brooke, Scott and I are going to Chiang Mai, a nearby city, for 2 days to have a bit of a break! I am so excited!) Then this afternoon Brooke and I went and visited Scott and then did a bit of shopping :) When we got home Brooke dyed my hair for me.. it was meant to be blonde.. but it kind of turned grey in some areas (gotta love Thai hair dye! LOL!) So as i write to you i have grey hair! I was kind of upset at first but hey its only hair! That brings me to now where i am writing to you all, probably boring you all with my nonsense!

So let me get to the second part of the title of this blog- Gods' Surprises.. for those of you who dont know i have been finding this past month or so quite hard and tiring. At some points i just wanted to give up and go home.. i just wanted to be in the company of my family and friends. But it has been so great how God has been showing me His faithfulness, kindness and love! In the past week or so i have received quite a few emails or messages from people, friends and family and people who i dont know very well, saying that they are thinking of me and praying for me (they were Gods' Surprises). They have been such an encouragement to me and have really made me see the greatness and kindness of God! You have to know that i hate surprises but the surprise of knowing that people are praying for me.. and that God hasn't lost sight of me even when i feel like He has, is a surprise that i most certainly couldn't do without!

It reminds me of the sky the other night, (another one of Gods' surprises) it looked like it was about to rain so there were lots of dark clouds. As I looked out to the sky i saw this patch of blue, it was quite big to begin with but as time went past it became smaller and smaller. I guess in a way thats what i felt my hope was becoming like. I felt like all this stuff was building up, all these things were covering me, like the black cloud over the blue sky, but as i continued to watch it i noticed that the black cloud never completely covered the blue sky. There was always a bit shining through. No matter how much the black cloud grew the blue remained. This may sound funny but it made me think.. it made me think of how although i may feel so tired, so confused and so lost. If i have God with me, protecting me, watching over me, walking with me and carrying me it will never be too much to handle! There will always be that light.. that hope.. that peace.. that love! And let me tell you that was a nice surprise too!

Another surprise/reading that was a real encouragement to me was found in this book i am reading called reckless faith by Beth Guckenberger. It is all about stories of these people who Beth met while being a missionary in Mexico who showed her the meaning of reckless faith. This one particular story about a boy who had had a rough childhood caught my attention. It talked about how even though he had many tough times he continued to try his best in everything and God continued to build him up.. it was what Beth said at the end that caught my attention the most she wrote,

'For me, Rodolfo's (the boy) life will always be a signpost that signifies a certain kind of reckless faith. It reads: We are yet to be all God has created us to be, and the effort it take to move forward is worth it!'.

That is so true! God is continuing to build us up, he is continually changing us and renewing us and sometimes, quite often, that means things get tough. We go through trials and times when we feel like giving up.. but the effort it takes to move forward IS worth it! There is no greater love than Gods, no greater peace than Gods, no greater mercy than Gods and there is no greater place to be than with God!

I am off to bed now as i have exhausted my blog, probably all of you and myself with my ramblings but before i go i want to leave you all with a verse that someone reminded me of, a verse to help to encourage you during those trials, a prayer from me to you!

'I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe.'

Ephesians 1:17-19

Love Them Like Jesus

hey all,

me again :) thought i would update you a little on todays going ons.

well today was pretty normal kindy went well :) i started making the boys pants (i am sewing all the boys a pair of nice pants for church .. yes i am all domesticated :P). Then Brooke and i went to this couples house to watch the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice.. it is so good! So it was a fun filled, packed day :D But i dont want to bore with you the intimate details.. and seeing as this is a blog i want to share with you something that God is teaching me.

Today i found out that one of the little girls has been stealing lots over the past month or so.. and i found out that it is a problem she has had since she was quite young.. no one really knows why she does it.. it is almost like she has to do it.. like it is a habit. When i found this out i felt so bad.. and angry.. not at her.. at myself.. i wish i could do something about it.. i hate the girls getting in trouble and i hate that so often i feel so out of my league here with their problems. A lot of the kids have so many deep-seeded issues.. so many issues that most people only see the surface of. I just wish i could fix it sometimes.. but there is no easy fix and there is no way a could do it in my own strength. I feel like whatever i do just is never enough sometimes. But as i started writing this the song Love Them Like Jesus by Casting Crowns came on and i was reminded once again that what i do in my own strength will never be enough.. that as hard as i try in my own strength it will not be enough for these kids. But i dont have to do it on my own.. i was not designed to do it on my own.. only God can heal these kids.. only He can help them through it and He doesnt need to use me to do it.. but i am so thankful that He is using me and that i can be of some help in this process of healing.. that i can be there for them.. that i can help to show them his infinite love and grace! The chorus of the song says

'Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him

His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus'

and that is what i am going to do.. i may feel totally out of my depth.. i may feel like it will never end.. but i am here to 'love them like Jesus', i am here to 'carry them to Him' i am here to 'stay by there side' and to 'love them like Jesus'! And love them i will! When i got home from watching pride and prejudice most of the girls were asleep.. and as i looked at each of them sleeping so soundly.. each of them beautiful in their own way, i was overcome with such love for them! A love that i know even when i leave here will still be there for them! And as silly as this may sound i feel like i got a glimpse of the love God has for every one of His children.. a love that a mother has for a child.. a love that has no end.. and i pray that as i continue to spend each day with these beautiful girls that i wont loose sight of that, especially when they misbehave or do the wrong thing! That i will hold on to it and show it to them in every shape and form!

Well that is my bit of thoughtful thinking for the day :) I pray that as you read it that you are filled with the same love for those around you.. whether it be love for your mum and dad, your siblings, your friends, your partner or your children! And may you remember the everlasting love that God has for you that has no boundaries or no limits! I will write again soon!

State of Origin Game 2

hey thought you might like to see a picture of the 3 amigos after the 2nd state of origin game :) in our maroon shirts looking happy of course because we won!!! GO QUEENSLAND!!!!!

The first one :)

hey all,

well i havent written to many of you in weeks so i thought i better do something about it! So i decided to start a blog. I am not sure how often i will do it and it may be a total failure but hey i am going to give it a go.

Life here has been busy. Over the past month or so different people here have come and gone and with that a lot of changes have been made and continue to be made. Penny and Paul the founders of Baan Nam Jai have come back and are now living with me in the girls house. The lady who was living with me has gone to the south to study Thai more intensely. With that happening life in the house for me has been much different but it is defiantly the best thing for the girls!

With Paul and Penny coming back they have been alot of changes to the rosters too. I no longer do 5 day shifts and 5 night shifts. I now do kindy for the youngest boy Josiah for 2 hours every weekday. It has been going pretty well so far :) at the moment i am concentrating on colors :) we are doing 1 color a week this week it is blue! Also during the week i do 1 morning shift. The rest of the week i just do little bits and pieces.. i am a bit of a gap filler :) I do 1 morning shift on the weekend and 1 afternoon shift. Once a month i get a weekend off. So it is a bit more work with not having 2 days off every week and at the moment i am quite tired.. but its an adjustment and it will take time :)

This past weekend was my weekend off and i spent most of it in hospital with Scott (Brooke's fiance for those of you who dont know him) he had his appendix taken out, just in time i might add! It was defiantly an answer to prayer that he got through surgery alright. I spent a night with him in the hospital so he wouldnt be alone because Brooke had to work. It was good and i am happy to say that he has been discharged and has to rest for the next couple of weeks!

My parents are now back in Australia for about a month, which is great for them :) i just wish i could be there with them! I am missing you all so much and if you get a chance i would love to hear how you are going and what you been up to! Well better be off now the girls just finished their homework so i am gonna go hang out with them! Take care and i will try to update you again soon :)